taking comfort in strangers

I was visiting at a friend's house the other night and had an odd thought about supportive relationships.

I needed to ask this friend about summer camp stuff.  She is also someone I wish I knew better, so I was glad to hurdle over my social anxieties and try to make this connection.  Her husband owns a part share in a micro-brewery and they keep some "good stuff" in their home.  When this friend offered me a beer, I didn't even hesitate to say yes.  This friend is working hard on her health and personal growth and was abstaining herself.  She had a la croix water at the ready and would have loved to have me there, present and sober with her.  I'm not in that place right now though--back in my old disfunctional routines--so i drank some pints, felt my face go numb, and basically, over the course of two hours, missed a chance to make a new close friend.

and the other odd discovery was this: when I accepted her offer of a beer, she said "oh!  so you are drinking again?"  "yeah," I answered, half-giggling, shrugging like it's no-big-deal (yep.  106 days of sobriety down the tubes.  no big deal.  right.).  and then she said "oh good-your friends were worried about you."

so.  my friends worry WHEN I AM NOT DRINKING.  but they are relieved when i am??????

i don't blame this friend for offering me a beer, or for passing on the tip that I was the recent book club's "hot topic" of conversation.  I have learned enough in the rooms about my responsibility in the matter.  in all matters, for that matter.  but how interesting that i can't seem to make a new friend without bolstering my confidence with a beer (or three) and the "friends" that I do have, worry about me when i am sober.

i don't know if i know very much about friendship anymore.
feel as thirsty as ever.

things to do when you really want a drink (too long to be a text to my bff)

1.) take a shower until the hot water runs out.

2.) pluck your eyebrows until it is too sting-ey or you get bored or your arm gets tired.

3.) gather up all the dirty laundry as if you are going to take it to the basement for a washing.

4.) make a cup of coffee in your french press.

5.) heat some milk in the microwave for this coffee so it doesn't make the coffee cold and so you feel fancy.

6.) sit in the leather chair and stare at your basket of dirty laundry.

7.) check your email.

8.) drink some coffee.

9.) take a picture of yourself drinking coffee and post it on facebook.

10.) read a blog.

11.) organize all of the markers in the art bin by color.

12.) write a blog post.

13.) read a little bit of a book.

14.) flip through the pottery barn catalog.

15.) see if anyone has posted on your facebook picture.

16.) realize you only plucked one eyebrow.

17.) scrounge through the refrigerator for something to eat.

18.) scrounge through the pantry.

19.) eat some dusty old christmas candy that is peppermint and dark chocolate (your two least favorite candy flavors).

20.) see if you have stuff to make cookies.

21.) eat a couple of tablespoons of brown sugar.

22.) take the damn laundry down to the basement.

23.) google your own name.

24.) google your address.

25.) toast a frozen waffle.

26.) do not even think about cleaning up in the kitchen. not enough wine in the world, baby girl.

27.) stand and stare out the back window at absolutely nothing for a full five minutes while you eat your waffle.

28.) have some real dinner when everyone gets home.

29.) build harry potter's "knight bus" in lego.

30.) eat the rest of the christmas candy.

31.) let the dogs out.

32.) watch the end of something forgettable on showtime.

31.) brush and floss.

you made it.

one more day sober.

the meeting

I went to an AA meeting today.

tonight, all I want is a bottle of wine. my daughters are fighting. then they are apologetic and fakey-nice. they act like they are scared I will explode. "thank you mommy for dinner. it's really good," says one, super-cheery. it's creepy. there is a tension and egg-shells and a black mood hanging over the dining room and I don't know how to lighten it.

I just want a bottle of wine: the first sips warming my insides, the glass twinkling like christmas lights, then soft limbs, release. soft mind. release.

and i don't exactly know why I don't just go and get and open and gobble a bottle of wine.

I don't have any reason not to.

and a hundred reasons why I think I should. and how i think this moment could be so easily improved. and how I could, at least, escape. and how i really really really want to escape.

so why did I go to that meeting today? what in the hell am i going to do?

accountability, redux

new year. fresh start.

I know, I know. my previous posts have been dark and somber. but to be honest, I am a dark and somber kind of gal.

as I walk through the caves of my heart, I am searching for light.

this year's posts will be about that journey.

and as for accountability, I know I never really walked that talk. again: new year, fresh start.

part of the search for light is getting out and moving.

today I ran 4 miles--from here to walgreens.

part of the search for light is being mindful of how i fuel my body.

today i have eaten:

• one scrambled egg
• 1/4 c. nut and dried fruit mix
• lots of black coffee
• two whole grain waffles with peanut butter
• two chocolate bon bons (christmas-leave this house!)
• an apple
• an orange

tonight i am planning on some tacos minus the shells.

and how do i feel? I feel like it is possible. that it is possible that this day will be great. that it is possible that i can accomplish my goals. that it is possible to make it without a drink. that it will be possible to learn something, to go to bed satisfied. and I feel grateful.

until later,

cheers!

loop-de-loop

I had an anxiety attack last night.

it was storming and the thunder woke me. the sound of the rain and wind meant only one thing: greg was not going to take the girls camping.

I snuck downstairs and watched out the window. I went to weather.com and searched for how long the storm might last.

then, suddenly: RAGE.

WHY? WHY? WHY NOW WHEN THERE HAS BEEN NO RAIN AND ONLY INSUFFERABLE HEAT FOR DAYS?

why now when I have been working so hard and hanging on so desperately with only the thought of this break, this escape, keeping me going?

WHY IS THIS THUNDER AND LIGHTNING AND RAIN HAPPENING TO ME????

irrational, right? yes. anxiety is like that.

I went back to bed and willed myself to sleep.

I itched and scratched and tossed and turned and could barely breathe and then breathed too fast and then was hot and then cold and then a million years old and then with a blinding pain in my eye.

I rolled over and grabbed greg's arm and woke him.

"greg. GREG! it's raining."

"GREG!"

"if you don't go camping, I am going to a hotel."

"I swear to god I am going to a hotel."

and then I lay there, and tried to count backwards from one hundred, and after a while, I fell asleep.

this morning the house is quiet and they have gone. I am ashamed of how easily I would banish them. I am ashamed that I am now holding thunderstorms against mother nature. I am ashamed that the last words I said to my quiet and kind husband were hissed through clenched teeth: "I swear to god I am going to a hotel."

and then my mom calls and jokingly chastises me for laying about and I am full of RAGE all over again.

my teeth are going to fall out for all this grinding. the sun is shining, hot and strong, and I want to throw a brick at mother nature because HOW DARE THE SUN SHINE AND TAUNT ME ON MY DAY OFF WHEN I WANT TO LAY IN BED ALL DAY.

I know enough to keep away from heavy machinery and automobiles today. to keep the scissors in the drawer. and alcohol? forget it.

where does this madness come from? I'm so tired. I need a day off from my day off. and then a day off from that. where does this end?

being accountable

I guess I've been telling little fibs all around, here and there. and I wonder, is it because I am not feeling accountable? no one is going to notice if I skip that and do this instead. no one is really watching when I leave that out or turn that on. and I certainly don't get in trouble when I push this kind of thing to the edge. I am surrounded by incredibly forgiving or (and/or?) incredibly preoccupied people. and I am often invisible.

but that's one of the biggest fibs I've been telling. and I've kind of tricked myself into believing that no one is noticing what I am doing. but I'm also not really buying it.

so, here's the deal. let's try to be a little more accountable. let's say, I'll post what I do and why, and you read about it and keep me honest.

if you keep close tabs on me and I care enough not to let you down, maybe I'll start showing up.

let's just see.

the sweet spot

so lent has come and is long gone. I failed. didn't even make it one full week.

and I keep wondering: why?

I am not an alcoholic.

that's just not how I see myself.

I drink to excess occasionally. I drink to a place called "planet novacaine" every now and again. sometimes I'm a sipper. sometimes I'm a gobbler. sometimes I stick with water. but who doesn't like a cold bud light draft and a game of cards?

I am thirsty. parched in fact. where is the drink that fills me up?