taking comfort in strangers

I was visiting at a friend's house the other night and had an odd thought about supportive relationships.

I needed to ask this friend about summer camp stuff.  She is also someone I wish I knew better, so I was glad to hurdle over my social anxieties and try to make this connection.  Her husband owns a part share in a micro-brewery and they keep some "good stuff" in their home.  When this friend offered me a beer, I didn't even hesitate to say yes.  This friend is working hard on her health and personal growth and was abstaining herself.  She had a la croix water at the ready and would have loved to have me there, present and sober with her.  I'm not in that place right now though--back in my old disfunctional routines--so i drank some pints, felt my face go numb, and basically, over the course of two hours, missed a chance to make a new close friend.

and the other odd discovery was this: when I accepted her offer of a beer, she said "oh!  so you are drinking again?"  "yeah," I answered, half-giggling, shrugging like it's no-big-deal (yep.  106 days of sobriety down the tubes.  no big deal.  right.).  and then she said "oh good-your friends were worried about you."

so.  my friends worry WHEN I AM NOT DRINKING.  but they are relieved when i am??????

i don't blame this friend for offering me a beer, or for passing on the tip that I was the recent book club's "hot topic" of conversation.  I have learned enough in the rooms about my responsibility in the matter.  in all matters, for that matter.  but how interesting that i can't seem to make a new friend without bolstering my confidence with a beer (or three) and the "friends" that I do have, worry about me when i am sober.

i don't know if i know very much about friendship anymore.
feel as thirsty as ever.