taking comfort in strangers

I was visiting at a friend's house the other night and had an odd thought about supportive relationships.

I needed to ask this friend about summer camp stuff.  She is also someone I wish I knew better, so I was glad to hurdle over my social anxieties and try to make this connection.  Her husband owns a part share in a micro-brewery and they keep some "good stuff" in their home.  When this friend offered me a beer, I didn't even hesitate to say yes.  This friend is working hard on her health and personal growth and was abstaining herself.  She had a la croix water at the ready and would have loved to have me there, present and sober with her.  I'm not in that place right now though--back in my old disfunctional routines--so i drank some pints, felt my face go numb, and basically, over the course of two hours, missed a chance to make a new close friend.

and the other odd discovery was this: when I accepted her offer of a beer, she said "oh!  so you are drinking again?"  "yeah," I answered, half-giggling, shrugging like it's no-big-deal (yep.  106 days of sobriety down the tubes.  no big deal.  right.).  and then she said "oh good-your friends were worried about you."

so.  my friends worry WHEN I AM NOT DRINKING.  but they are relieved when i am??????

i don't blame this friend for offering me a beer, or for passing on the tip that I was the recent book club's "hot topic" of conversation.  I have learned enough in the rooms about my responsibility in the matter.  in all matters, for that matter.  but how interesting that i can't seem to make a new friend without bolstering my confidence with a beer (or three) and the "friends" that I do have, worry about me when i am sober.

i don't know if i know very much about friendship anymore.
feel as thirsty as ever.

things to do when you really want a drink (too long to be a text to my bff)

1.) take a shower until the hot water runs out.

2.) pluck your eyebrows until it is too sting-ey or you get bored or your arm gets tired.

3.) gather up all the dirty laundry as if you are going to take it to the basement for a washing.

4.) make a cup of coffee in your french press.

5.) heat some milk in the microwave for this coffee so it doesn't make the coffee cold and so you feel fancy.

6.) sit in the leather chair and stare at your basket of dirty laundry.

7.) check your email.

8.) drink some coffee.

9.) take a picture of yourself drinking coffee and post it on facebook.

10.) read a blog.

11.) organize all of the markers in the art bin by color.

12.) write a blog post.

13.) read a little bit of a book.

14.) flip through the pottery barn catalog.

15.) see if anyone has posted on your facebook picture.

16.) realize you only plucked one eyebrow.

17.) scrounge through the refrigerator for something to eat.

18.) scrounge through the pantry.

19.) eat some dusty old christmas candy that is peppermint and dark chocolate (your two least favorite candy flavors).

20.) see if you have stuff to make cookies.

21.) eat a couple of tablespoons of brown sugar.

22.) take the damn laundry down to the basement.

23.) google your own name.

24.) google your address.

25.) toast a frozen waffle.

26.) do not even think about cleaning up in the kitchen. not enough wine in the world, baby girl.

27.) stand and stare out the back window at absolutely nothing for a full five minutes while you eat your waffle.

28.) have some real dinner when everyone gets home.

29.) build harry potter's "knight bus" in lego.

30.) eat the rest of the christmas candy.

31.) let the dogs out.

32.) watch the end of something forgettable on showtime.

31.) brush and floss.

you made it.

one more day sober.

the meeting

I went to an AA meeting today.

tonight, all I want is a bottle of wine. my daughters are fighting. then they are apologetic and fakey-nice. they act like they are scared I will explode. "thank you mommy for dinner. it's really good," says one, super-cheery. it's creepy. there is a tension and egg-shells and a black mood hanging over the dining room and I don't know how to lighten it.

I just want a bottle of wine: the first sips warming my insides, the glass twinkling like christmas lights, then soft limbs, release. soft mind. release.

and i don't exactly know why I don't just go and get and open and gobble a bottle of wine.

I don't have any reason not to.

and a hundred reasons why I think I should. and how i think this moment could be so easily improved. and how I could, at least, escape. and how i really really really want to escape.

so why did I go to that meeting today? what in the hell am i going to do?