loop-de-loop

I had an anxiety attack last night.

it was storming and the thunder woke me. the sound of the rain and wind meant only one thing: greg was not going to take the girls camping.

I snuck downstairs and watched out the window. I went to weather.com and searched for how long the storm might last.

then, suddenly: RAGE.

WHY? WHY? WHY NOW WHEN THERE HAS BEEN NO RAIN AND ONLY INSUFFERABLE HEAT FOR DAYS?

why now when I have been working so hard and hanging on so desperately with only the thought of this break, this escape, keeping me going?

WHY IS THIS THUNDER AND LIGHTNING AND RAIN HAPPENING TO ME????

irrational, right? yes. anxiety is like that.

I went back to bed and willed myself to sleep.

I itched and scratched and tossed and turned and could barely breathe and then breathed too fast and then was hot and then cold and then a million years old and then with a blinding pain in my eye.

I rolled over and grabbed greg's arm and woke him.

"greg. GREG! it's raining."

"GREG!"

"if you don't go camping, I am going to a hotel."

"I swear to god I am going to a hotel."

and then I lay there, and tried to count backwards from one hundred, and after a while, I fell asleep.

this morning the house is quiet and they have gone. I am ashamed of how easily I would banish them. I am ashamed that I am now holding thunderstorms against mother nature. I am ashamed that the last words I said to my quiet and kind husband were hissed through clenched teeth: "I swear to god I am going to a hotel."

and then my mom calls and jokingly chastises me for laying about and I am full of RAGE all over again.

my teeth are going to fall out for all this grinding. the sun is shining, hot and strong, and I want to throw a brick at mother nature because HOW DARE THE SUN SHINE AND TAUNT ME ON MY DAY OFF WHEN I WANT TO LAY IN BED ALL DAY.

I know enough to keep away from heavy machinery and automobiles today. to keep the scissors in the drawer. and alcohol? forget it.

where does this madness come from? I'm so tired. I need a day off from my day off. and then a day off from that. where does this end?